Securing your phone and accounts is important — but doing it at the wrong moment is dangerous. Someone who's monitoring you will usually notice the instant it stops, and that discovery can escalate things fast. So the order is: use a device they can't access, find out quietly what's being monitored, talk to an advocate about timing, and make the visible changes when you're somewhere safe.
First, assume nothing about your own phone
If your partner set up your phone, pays for the plan, knows your passcode, or has ever “fixed something” on it, treat it as potentially visible to them. That isn't paranoia. Digital monitoring is one of the most common features of coercive control precisely because it's cheap, quiet, and easy.
If your gut has been saying “how did they know that?” — your gut has been collecting evidence.
Signs that something is being monitored
They know things you only said in a text, a search, or a private conversation.
They reference your location without you telling them, or arrive where you are.
Your battery drains unusually fast, or the phone runs warm when idle.
Settings change on their own; apps you don't remember installing; a device management or profile you didn't add.
Your accounts show logins from devices or places that aren't yours.
They gave you the phone, the watch, the car, or the tablet — and are unusually interested in it.
None of these prove anything on their own. Together, they're worth taking seriously — and worth checking from a different device, not by searching on the phone in question.
Shared accounts — a family plan, a shared Apple ID or Google account, an iCloud login you both use, shared photo libraries.
Email forwarding rules — a quiet rule that copies your mail to them; check your mail settings, not just your inbox.
Recovery options — their phone number or email set as your account recovery, which lets them reset your password at will.
Physical trackers — AirTags, Tiles, GPS units in a bag, glovebox, wheel well, or under a seat. Phones can scan for unknown trackers moving with you.
Cars and smart home — connected-car apps show location and trip history; cameras, doorbells, thermostats, and speakers show who's home and when.
Your kids' devices — a tablet or watch that's linked to their account can report your location too.
The safer order of operations
Get a safe device first. A library or work computer, a friend's phone, or a cheap prepaid phone they know nothing about. Do all planning there.
Create a new email address on that safe device, with a password they've never seen and a recovery method that isn't their number. This becomes the anchor for everything else.
Look, don't touch. Note what's monitoring you before you remove anything — screenshots of tracking apps, location sharing, and account access are useful evidence later.
Talk to an advocate about timing. They deal with exactly this and can help you decide what to change now, what to change on the day you leave, and what to leave alone.
Make the visible changes when you're safe. Passwords, 2FA, location sharing off, removing them from family plans and shared accounts — ideally once you're somewhere they can't reach you.
Then lock the doors properly. Two-factor authentication on email and banking, new security questions, revoke old logged-in sessions, and check for forwarding rules again a week later.
A clean-phone strategy
If the phone you carry is compromised or might be, the cleanest answer often isn't fixing it — it's a second, cheap prepaid phone that exists only for safety planning. Keep the old phone behaving normally so nothing looks different. Keep the new one somewhere they'll never look. Use it for the hotline, the advocate, the lawyer, the friend who's holding your go bag.
After you're out
Change every password from the safe device, starting with email, then banking, then everything that uses email to reset.
Turn on 2FA everywhere, using an app rather than SMS if your number is on a shared plan.
Get your own phone plan and number if you can; consider keeping the old number active on a spare device for documentation.
Lock down social media: privacy settings, remove location tags, and remember that mutual friends' posts can leak your location too.
Tell your workplace and your kids' school who is and isn't allowed to pick up or receive information.
Keep documenting. Screenshots of continued contact and monitoring attempts matter if you seek a protective order.
Not necessarily right now. If you still live with them and they're monitoring you, an abrupt lockout can escalate things — that's the single most common warning advocates give. Plan from a device they can't see, and where possible make the visible changes once you're somewhere safe, with an advocate helping you time it.
How do I check for a tracker on my car or in my bag?
Modern phones can alert you to unknown trackers moving with you, and both major platforms have a scan feature. Physically, check the glovebox, under seats, the trunk lining, wheel wells, and bag pockets. If you find one, photograph it in place before touching it, and tell an advocate or the police — removing it silently tells them something changed.
Is factory resetting my phone a good idea?
It removes most monitoring software, but it's also loud — a reset is obvious, and it destroys evidence you may want. Screenshot and document first, and consider whether a separate cheap phone is a quieter solution than resetting the one they expect to be able to see.
Can I use my regular phone to call a hotline?
It may be visible in call logs or on a shared plan bill. Safer options: a friend's phone, a work phone, a prepaid phone, or the hotline's online chat from a library computer. If you must use your own, the hotline can talk through how to do it as safely as possible.