Usually yes at the tactical level — the charm is aimed, the story is curated, the rage lands where witnesses aren't. What's often missing is deeper insight: they experience their behavior as justified self-defense of a fragile self-image. For you, the answer matters less than the pattern: harm with awareness and harm without it both require the same boundaries.
Watch the switch: composed with the boss, brutal with you, charming again when the doorbell rings. Behavior that adjusts to the audience is being managed. That's tactical awareness, whatever the self-story that excuses it.
'Do they know?' easily becomes 'if they don't know, I can't blame them' — and another year passes. Intent affects how you grieve; it shouldn't change what you tolerate. Protect first, philosophize later.